Thursday, August 15, 2013

Words I Live By: Loyalty

I'm going literal with this week's "Words I Live By" because it's actually just a single word.

Loyalty 

I'll start with a couple defintions:
  • Being loyal can take on a few different forms: loyalty to a person, loyalty to a cause, loyalty to certain beliefs. And in that sense, what it means is that you don't stray from the moral code and guidelines that are implied by whatever relationship/affiliation you have with said person/cause/belief. 
  • Having someone be loyal to you means trusting your friend/partner to not do you wrong or hurt you, knowing someone will always help you if you need it, understanding that someone else understands you and your intentions completely. At least, that's what it means to me. Maybe you have other ideas?
Loyalty is one of those things that you don't realize how important it is until you experience the opposite of it. Once you know disloyalty, how can you be on board with anything else but loyalty?

Throughout middle school and high school I was lucky enough to have probably the greatest group of friends a 13-18 year old could ask for. My friends and I were all nerds. We loved Student Council. And we never fought. Over time, I got spoiled thinking that all friendships were like this--never worrying if your best friend was secretly mad at you, or talking about you behind your back. 

And then, I learned that they weren't all like that.

And it hurt. A lot. And it was confusing and scary and unsettling to know that something I had learned to be true--that all close friendships were positive ones--maybe wasn't so true.

Lots of people learn about loyalty and disloyalty through relationships. To me, loyalty within a romantic relationship isn't different from loyalty in a platonic friendship. If you say that you would never cheat on your boyfriend or girlfriend, then you should also be saying you would never sell a friend out. Loyalty is loyalty--it's something that you either practice, or don't practice.

Like I said earlier, loyalty is something that matters once you realize how badly disloyalty hurts. Or once you realize how badly you feel when you are disloyal to someone else.

I've felt both. You probably have too--in some degree or another.

It's easy to look back and find a time where someone has been disloyal to you.

Ever noticed that when you're playing "Never Have I Ever" and someone says "never have I ever been cheated on" almost everyone puts down a finger? Everyone's got a story about the time they were cheated on....

But then have you noticed that when you're playing that game and someone says "never have I ever cheated on someone" barely anyone admits to it?

Look, I'm not a mathematician, but statistically, this just seems impossible. If 9/10 people have been cheated on, but only 1/10 people has cheated...who the hell is doing all this cheating that is supposedly going on?? That 1 guy or girl is REALLY making the rounds, huh??

My point is--it's hard to admit to yourself, and to others, that you've been disloyal. But it happens. And it's worth fixing so it doesn't happen again.

Whether it's loyalty for and from those that you love, or for an idea or cause that you believe in, loyalty, in my opinion, is something that everyone should learn, live, and expect nothing less than.

To end on a high note, I really do believe that if you are loyal, you will find loyalty in others. 

I know that I have.


“You think I'm a fool?" demanded Harry.
"No, I think you're like James," said Lupin, "who would have regarded it as the height of dishonor to mistrust his friends.”

-J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

1 comment:

  1. Your working definition of loyalty is impeccable. I really appreciate your last bit about understanding intentions completely. I was once disloyal and, though the relationship ended years ago, it has taken me a really long time to figure out who I am. For me, it was bigger than simply admitting it to myself that I had been disloyal, that part came pretty easy. The hard, grinding, part was the fact that I had lost sight of who I was and what my morals were. I found myself completely off-balance in life. Asking myself questions constantly. Had I completely chosen the wrong crowd to hang out with in college? Do I consider myself a loyal person? Can someone become loyal and once being disloyal? I drove myself nuts.
    It made me incredibly happy when you said, " loyalty, in my opinion, is something that everyone should LEARN, live, and expect nothing less than…I really do believe that if you are loyal, you will find loyalty in others." I truly believe that people can learn loyalty. It really blows my mind how relevant this post is to my life. I strive to be loyal to everyone, which has put me in a tough predicament that maybe you can help me out with? I figure since you are willing to write a post about loyalty and you have been thinking about it, maybe you can help me make sure I am being loyal.
    You say, "you should also be saying you would never sell a friend out. Loyalty is loyalty--it's something that you either practice, or don't practice." Which is great and works perfectly…most of the time. I've got this friend, Hanz, who likes to get high every once in awhile. Don't get me wrong, he used to be a stoner, but that was back in college and now it's genuinely a casual once in awhile thing. However, his girlfriend, Bean, won't stand for Miss Mary Jane at all. Sure, every once in awhile she'll find out and yell at him but nothing really comes of it. Even though a couple months back she kind of gave him an ultimatum, Miss Mary or her. You're probably thinking, don't tell her, because you gotta be loyal to Hanz. What complicates things is that Bean is one of the girls who I was once disloyal with. Note that I was disloyal with, and not too, Bean was also one of my best friends for a couple of years. Currently Bean and I will talk when we're in the same room (which is rare), text maybe once a month (and usually relating to Hanz) but that's about it. I don't mind her, but I think that she really sucks as a girlfriend to Hanz. Hanz is a completely different person when around Bean. Sure they live together but do I, or any of our mutual friends for that matter, think they are in love and will last? No, not at all. She is quite controlling, but really that's just the tip. Anyway, I think that she would likely break up with him if she knew how much he smoked. I also have found myself, ever since my relationship ended, acting almost overly honest. For example, it truly bothers me that he will lie to her about where he is or what he is doing, not in a cheating way, but about smoking. Am I being loyal to Hanz if I let him lie to Bean? Should I remain loyal to Hanz and continue to tell bean nothing?
    Anyway, thanks for the great post. It was fun thinking about my difficult loyalty scenario

    ReplyDelete